2-1 - The Sink Hole

A giant sink hole developed in my heart last night. It was nothing I did, saw, said, heard. It was simply the enormous weight of the grief that fell through the fragile layer of future that had begun to develop over the gaping wound.

It had almost begun to work…the tiniest, thinnest layer of life without him, solitary plans, visions of what it will be like once the muffling is complete; the ability to listen to music without dissolving into tears; the courage to watch a favored movie; to wear a tee shirt that was brought back from a great adventure; the imagining of life – for years and years – without him. But it all came crashing in late last night and dissolved back into the beginning when the tears would just not stop and the pain – the familiar physical pain – came unrelenting --again.

All that progress, all those strides forward gone in a moment and its 2007 again, the year that the world ended. It was such a struggle to get as far as I had and now I’m back to the foot of the wall – a sheer, vertical wall that has to be climbed – such effort and I can no longer see the handholds I had once so carefully chiseled.

So I think I’ll just stay here for a bit…with his pictures, his things and re-read his letters. In particular that one letter, one of those from the African trip in 1992 where he declared – 11 years into our life together – 11 years - long after many relationships hit the hum-drum! “You are the love of my life…” How could I have ever been uncertain? But there it is in black and white. It cannot be denied …I cannot question or doubt or disbelieve. Although I read that letter 18 years ago, I didn't really get it until now.

Of all the thoughts he put into the thousands of words he wrote to me over the years…declaring all sorts of things – that declaration - those seven words are the only ones I wish I could hear his voice say – right now!