Are You All Right?

Like a mantra, an incoherant whisper, a heart murmur, I keep repeating - "Are you all right?" I've stopped talking to you throughout the day, telling you what I'm doing, asking you questions about where you last saw the philips head screwdriver or the beach towel with the stripes. Not as often, but I still do beg you to please come back and let me get back to my life. The life that, even when bad, was my life. The life I chose to live.

Now, I just chant - "Are you all right?" "Are you OK?" Most times I'm not really sure if I am talking to you or to myself. But in either case the answer is "No, I'm not all right!"

I can't fathom that you are not you any more. That you are not anything any more. You filled my life with purpose, with drive, with pride, anger, lust, insecurity, confidence, hatred and profound love along with thousands of other deep emotions. How could you not exist any longer? I still don't get it? Will I ever?

No, neither of us is all right - not all right at all and never will be again.